Multi-Dimensional World Cup Recap!

Our own dimension's World Cup just finished, so why not check in on the results of the World Cups that played out all across the bounds of reality! 

DIMENSION PRIME 2 - CURRENT WORLD EXCEPT EVERYTHING'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT 

Final 

BRAZIL 3

NETHERLANDS 1

Goals

Fred (6', 23') 

Robin Van Persie (86') 

Brazil showed its fortitude throughout the tournament, cruising to a 3-1 result against an overmatched Netherlands squad in the final. Brazillian striker Fred capped off a masterful tournament with two goals  hardly needed support from the essentially absent Neymar. The Dutch's vaunted youth looked tired and sluggish, probably worn out from a reported night of classic Dutch spontaneity at Rio de Janeiro's popular late-night dance halls. The Netherlands Prime Minister  has required a full investigation, urging the players to come forward "despite your proud connection to our nation's famous free spirit."

DIMENSION 420 - THE DIMENSION WHERE EVERYONE SMOKES WEED ALL THE TIME 

Final 

BRAZIL 0

ARGENTINA 0 

(Argentina wins in penalty kicks, 5-4) 

In a cup that hinged on home continent advantage, an all-South American final represented the difficulty the rest of the world's teams had adapting to the true quality of smoke available in the Western Hemisphere. The only European team to reach the quarters were the Dutch, while the African and Middle Eastern teams were overcome by the sheer dankness of that ish available (compared to their own, way more dried-out bud). The US made a surprise run to the Semis thanks to the outstanding performance of Hampshire College grad Blake Drew, whose dread-locked head slammed home five goals en route to their best finish in decades. 

The finals featured two teams so burned out from the influx of weed and exercise that the match featured a record-low 2 shot attempts (both of which luckily were straight at the keepers, who were napping in the hot sun). The turning point occurred in extra time when Argentine Lionel Messi was given a surprise red card after the ref apparently told him "listen, dude, shut the fuck up, dude, you're being way too loud right now, fuck, i can't even think straight, jesus." Argentina was set to appeal the match, but then decided that it "doesn't even fuckin' matter, dude." 

DIMENSION -1 - OPPOSITE WORLD WHERE THE WORLD CUP HAPPENS ALL THE TIME EXCEPT FOR ONE MONTH IN THE SUMMER EVERY FOUR YEARS

The players for all soccer teams around the world are conflicted today, as their quadrennial month-long break causes the world's mostly soccer-based economy to slip to dangerous levels. Televisions are flooded with commercials trying to motivate a lethargic populous - "Don't worry! It'll be soccer time soon, folks! Until then keep coming to McDonald's! We're scared too!" "It's a shame so many people are suffering," said English captain Steven Gerrard, "but to level with you, we've been playing for the last four years. We've lost to France, like, 23 times. We've beaten them nearly as many! We're all fucking tired!" English goalkeeper Joe Hart, lounging with a mojito in a beach chair nearby, concurred. "Fuck football," he said. "I haven't kicked a thing in days." 

DIMENSION P - DIMENSION WHERE EVERYTHING IS THE SAME EXCEPT EVERYONE'S NAME IS PHIL

Final

GERMANY 2

ARGENTINA 1

Goals

Phil Klose (34')

Phil Sweinsteiger (84')

Phil Messi (23')

The Argentines lept out front as the great Phil Messi slotted a perfect pass from Phil dos Santos past Phil Neuer, giving them the early lead. The Germans were not to be denied however, as Phil Klose put in his third goal of the World Cup and Phil Sweinsteiger slammed home a lofted ball from Phil Muller to give them the lead for good. The Golden Boot went to Brazil's striker Phil, not to be confused with Brazil's goalkeeper Phil, Brazil's left back Phil, Brazil's two wingers Phil and Phil, or Iran's CAM Phil. 

CUKOO BANANALAND - THE WORLD WHERE EVERYTHINGS CRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZY

Final 

Glorpenberg Ducks 

Horstelmansterclam A Fair Understanding of Horticulture 

Flaimberts 

Ghryese Osprintz (252')

Coooooooooooooooooool Bobby Sue (-32') 

The flaimberts were truly dropsed along the vernternact this glob, as Glorpenberg took down the stalagztic Horstelmansterclam by a final blurb of Ducks to A Fair Understanding of Horticulture. Glorpenberg (still cextic over the pronface of their sloopy heardbill Crohn Drggggggggggggist) gave a irgastorlific jern, betrifliing the vernternact with brrrrrrrrrrrr and lune. Horstelmansterclam sclooped the whole vynester as they attempted to drestunfulrate the Glorpenberg swizzle. In a qeztical showing of tret, Ghryese Osprintz lofated the squick into the 928342 in the 252' slarm, sealing a hur for the caz sdtifl. Horstelmansterclam's drago Borrstick said in an uperdunt, "some globs you rarifar the squick, and some globs are grafty with clar." 

THE SPORTS TALK RADIO-VERSE

Final

Some Latino Team 2

I Can't Remember, Some European Country...France? Chucky, Can You Look Up If It's France? 3

Goals 

I don't fuckin' know (whenever') 

Some guy with a fruity haircut (like, 10 minutes in?') 

This little crybaby who spends most of the game rolling around so they call fouls on people who didn't even do anything, then he gets to score a goal. He shouldn't even be on the field if he's gonna play like that! (half time') 

One of those dudes that has one name (Pretty close to the end') 

Something with like "eau" at the end of it, see that's why I thought it was France (Really close to the end') 

Listen, Americans are never gonna embrace soccer, okay? I'm tired of hearing about when it's going to happen, what needs to happen, where it has to happen, who is gonna make it happen (I feel like where always talking about that, ya know? 'Who's gonna make soccer a thing in America?'). It's not happening, okay? You're kidding yourself. You can have all the ratings from all the Nielson boxes you want, oh, 800 billion people watched this game and that game, blah blah blah. Everyone watches the Super Bowl, and football isn't taking off anywhere. You see football becoming something do in China or Pakistan? Don't think so. 

Alright, now I'd like to tell you about this kick-ass new workout system I use called TRIM-FIT (R) 

THE DIMENSION WHERE MALAWI IS MADE UP EXCLUSIVELY OF EIGHT-LEGGED HUMANOIDS 

Final 

Malawi 52

Argentina 3

Goals 

Like everyone for Malawi (all minutes') 

Lionel Messi (41', 53', 85,)

Well, the odds were on a repeat of the last...what, seven?...seven World Cups, and Malawi did not disappoint (unless you were hoping for interesting, competitive football), scoring at a rate of over a goal every two minutes on their way to another easy victory. The strikers for Malawi alone accounted for 25 goals. Their supporters were out in droves for the finals of what is becoming an increasingly pointless competition, and how FIFA needed them to be; Malawi once again comprised the entirety of the audience for the final, leaving the stadium three-quarters empty as the small African nation struggled to maintain interest for what is now little more than a perfunctory finals. FIFA President Sepp Blatter (ed. note: yes, he's in charge in other dimensions as well) caused controversy when he vowed to work tirelessly on what he calls "the freak problem" in world football. Many football fans are still eagerly awaiting the 2016 European Cup (considered by many to be a truly fair alternative to the World Cup), while others eagerly await FIFA's ruling on the legality of the oft-criticized "22 pairs of legs" currently enforced by the English Premier League and the Bundasliga, which would require any team featuring a Malawian to field seven fewer players. 

~AW