Beards are driving women crazy. why?
FOLLICLES FREAKING OUT FEMALES!
AN IN DEPTH REPORT.
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FOR MANY YEARS NOW, MEN HAVE BEEN ENCOURAGED TO KEEP THEIR FACES CLEAN SHAVEN AND SMOOTH LIKE THAT OF THE BABY. WITH THE DRASTIC ADVANCEMENTS OF RAZOR BLADE TECHNOLOGY SUCH AS THE SCHICK QUATTRO THAT HOUSES 4 DANGEROUSLY SHARP RAZORS TO THE PANTHEON BY CREST WHICH CONTAINS NO LESS THEN 20 SHARP RAZORS THAT ROTATE IN A SERPENTINE MOTION TO GET YOU OR YOUR ENEMY THE CLOSEST GOD DAMN SHAVE THAT WOULD CAUSE YOUR BARBER TO COMMIT SEPPUKU. BUT THE TIDE HAS TURNED ON THE FACIAL HAIR DEBATE AND WOMAN FIND THEMSELVES CRAVING A MORE ANIMALISTIC LOOKING MAN TO CLUB THEM OVER THE HEAD AND TAKE THEM BACK TO THEIR MAN-CAVE. "i guess it's just something that turns me on now, you know?" SAID CATHY WHO WAS KIND ENOUGH TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS AT A LOCAL COFFEE ESTABLISHMENT. SO I PROPOSED A QUERRY TO THIS TRUE BLOOD T-SHIRT WEARING CAT OWNER "Who is your favorite bearded celebrity working today?" SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH EYES THAT SAID "duh" AND STATED "this guy, Joe MangaDonatello". FOR THOSE WHO DON'T SPEAK SEX STARVED, HE IS THE OWNER OF A SIX PACK ON THE SYNDICATED AND NOT OFTEN LIKED HBO SERIES "TRUE BLOOD". I LAUGHED AT HER OUT LOUD "I said celebrity.."AND SHE MUST OF HAVE BEEN ON THE RAG BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I HAD HOT EARL GREY TEA THROWN AT MY SMOOTH SMOOTH FACE. PERHAPS IF I HAD A BEARD MAYBE THE BURNS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SO SEVERE. NEVERTHELESS, I AM GOING TO PROBABLY SKIP THAT INTERVIEW WITH THAT PSYCHOLOGIST DUE IN PART TO THE FACT THAT SHE WAS ALSO A WOMAN AND IF CATHY WAS RIDING THE RED RIVER THEN IT'D PROBABLY BE THE SAME CATTY BULLSHIT I EXPERIENCED IN MY NOW PENDING LAW SUIT WITH STARBUCKS. IN CONCLUSION, BEARDS ARE HIGHLY UNOBTAINABLE FOR THE SOFT OF SKIN AND INTELLIGENT.
AN IN DEPTH REPORT.
FOR MANY YEARS NOW, MEN HAVE BEEN ENCOURAGED TO KEEP THEIR FACES CLEAN SHAVEN AND SMOOTH LIKE THAT OF THE BABY. WITH THE DRASTIC ADVANCEMENTS OF RAZOR BLADE TECHNOLOGY SUCH AS THE SCHICK QUATTRO THAT HOUSES 4 DANGEROUSLY SHARP RAZORS TO THE PANTHEON BY CREST WHICH CONTAINS NO LESS THEN 20 SHARP RAZORS THAT ROTATE IN A SERPENTINE MOTION TO GET YOU OR YOUR ENEMY THE CLOSEST GOD DAMN SHAVE THAT WOULD CAUSE YOUR BARBER TO COMMIT SEPPUKU. BUT THE TIDE HAS TURNED ON THE FACIAL HAIR DEBATE AND WOMAN FIND THEMSELVES CRAVING A MORE ANIMALISTIC LOOKING MAN TO CLUB THEM OVER THE HEAD AND TAKE THEM BACK TO THEIR MAN-CAVE. "i guess it's just something that turns me on now, you know?" SAID CATHY WHO WAS KIND ENOUGH TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS AT A LOCAL COFFEE ESTABLISHMENT. SO I PROPOSED A QUERRY TO THIS TRUE BLOOD T-SHIRT WEARING CAT OWNER "Who is your favorite bearded celebrity working today?" SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH EYES THAT SAID "duh" AND STATED "this guy, Joe MangaDonatello". FOR THOSE WHO DON'T SPEAK SEX STARVED, HE IS THE OWNER OF A SIX PACK ON THE SYNDICATED AND NOT OFTEN LIKED HBO SERIES "TRUE BLOOD". I LAUGHED AT HER OUT LOUD "I said celebrity.."AND SHE MUST OF HAVE BEEN ON THE RAG BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I HAD HOT EARL GREY TEA THROWN AT MY SMOOTH SMOOTH FACE. PERHAPS IF I HAD A BEARD MAYBE THE BURNS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SO SEVERE. NEVERTHELESS, I AM GOING TO PROBABLY SKIP THAT INTERVIEW WITH THAT PSYCHOLOGIST DUE IN PART TO THE FACT THAT SHE WAS ALSO A WOMAN AND IF CATHY WAS RIDING THE RED RIVER THEN IT'D PROBABLY BE THE SAME CATTY BULLSHIT I EXPERIENCED IN MY NOW PENDING LAW SUIT WITH STARBUCKS. IN CONCLUSION, BEARDS ARE HIGHLY UNOBTAINABLE FOR THE SOFT OF SKIN AND INTELLIGENT.
-Jack Maine
