Top ten toys that I wanted when I was a kid that sucked when I got them.
When I was a kid I wanted the most
terrible toys, but rarely did I actually get them. Here is a top ten
list of things that ruined Christmas, Birthdays, or anytime I got
what I wanted. You know what they say “Be careful what you wish for,
it probably sucks.”
10) Chia Pets: I blame this one on that
damn commercial song. I am not sure I ever asked for one but I
suppose when you are 7 running around saying “Cha Cha Cha Chia”
is the closest to listening most family member can handle. Too bad what they did was give me Boy's first farm chores. Fuck this. It doesn't even grow anything useful. Chia, you are the worst.
9) Styrofoam Airplane: When I first saw
one of these I wanted it so bad, the commercial made them fly through
the air, little did I know that cool perfect flight was a farce. I
was never able to fling this any better than a rock. I broke this
toy in record time and I am pretty sure any existing past day three are covered in duct tape. Two throws and The Airplane was turned into a
foam wingless dildo. Yuck.
8) Paddleball: I loved the shit out of
this for about 4 hours till the rubber string broke. Then the trash
loved it.
7) Socker Boppers: “More fun than a
pillow fight!" Except for the fact that pillows are usually made
with soft fabric, these over sized mitten's were made of vinyl with
seams that stick to your skin and make you look like you had been
hit by a tennis racket. And that was when they worked, mostly the
second punch breaks them and someone’s nose would be broke shortly after.
6) Gak: Sure GAK looked cool. The
stretchy, squishy fart noisey thing. Too bad actual Gak is nothing
but a pudding textured hair magnet. I bet Gak lasted forever when
kids in bubbles played with them. But for the real world, one play session
and you are left with a dirt piece of hair and dirt slime that smells
like pert plus. Gak makes me wanna Yak.
5) Slinky: I first thought this was a
sweet stair climbing metal robot, I was enthralled. Little did I
know it was only a coiled piece of metal that fell rhythmically down
the stairs. Fuck this Tetanus coil.
4) Moon Shoes: I love space, so much so
that I was willing to overlook gravity, and high ankle sprains to
want these “Moon” Shoes. Apparently the moon is just plastic
blocks and springs.
3) Stretch Armstrong: This is a toy
that's appeal was that it stretches. The problem was every kid (me
included) needed to know what was inside. The directions said you
could put a band aid on him and he would be fine. But it was only a
matter of time before corn syrup got all over the place, in my case
also all over my baseball cards. I guess I will never forgive this
ass hat for ruining my 1989 Ken Griffey Jr upper-deck rookie card.
Fuck you Stretch.
2) Water Snakes: Wow, why I wanted this
I will never know. The object is to squeeze this “Snake” and
catch it before it hits the ground. Turns out gravity plus ground equals stupid chemical water everywhere. I wish I was old enough to have
used this as a pocket pussy or something cool. Fuck this tube.
1) Nintendo power Glove: When I sat
down to write this there was only thing I was sure of. The Power
Glove would be number one. I am convinced this was simply a
contraption designed to rob little kids. They even went through the
trouble of making a movie to perpetuate the mythos of the glove (the movie The
Wizard) The fucking glove doesn't work, you end up tilting it to the
side or taking it off because it's an over priced fingered controller so fuck this. I would rather use a MadCatz controller.
I think this list reflects the truth
and trust me when I said you got off light Nerf.
Can't make Nerf
roller blades and not get a mention for how shitty they are.
~CA
