The Weekly Lettuce: Hair Care

Lettuce discuss how to properly take care of your hair and keep it. First off, all hair is dead from the minute it leaves your skin and any attempt to dress it up in a fantastic way is like putting a corpse through a make over party at 16 year old slumber party...so it's pointless. But people are shallow so lets talk about how we keep it ok?

Step 1. Don't wear baseball caps.

They send signals to your hair follicles and informs them that you have given up on looking good or give a shit.

Step 2. Mayo.

Most professionals won't tell you this but the key to having fantastic hair that keeps coming back for more is Mayo. Lather your scalp in the wonderful white stuff and watch the members of the opposite sex just line up for some sexy sandwiches or just ask you what that smell is. Either way, human contact.

Step 3. Cut your own hair. 

It's on your head so you should deal with it yourself. Would you hire someone to clip your toenails or take out your garbage? heck no! You got this. If you screw up then you only have yourself to blame and money to burn and look on the bright side, it might grow back. Unless you are Step 4.

Step 4. Bald.

If you are bald then I don't know why you are reading this. This was a celebration of hair and you thought you'd learn some kind of secret to saving your own dwindling locks? get out of here, baldy. There is no saving you. the end is near. You can always get a job being a bouncer or just looking tough by wearing a gold chain. You could dress as Mr. Clean. 

Step 5. Keeping your hair and saving it from balding (don't tell step 4's about this one)

The secret to keeping your hair is love. Massage your hair as much as possible and tell it encouraging things like "Doesn't SOMEBODY look thick and full today? hmmmm?". This will ensure that it will stick around forever. Also, if you are completely bald then all you have to do is hang upside down for 30 minutes twice a day. Duh.

Lettuce conclude with the known fact that hair and knowledge about hair is in fact very very stupid.