BROKE BLOG NEWS UPDATE: Running Makes People Totally Suck

Health-conscious men and women the world over were taken aback today, as a newly-released study concluded that running regularly is tied directly to being, in the words of the report, “a total douchebag.”

The University of Copenhagen put forth the results of a seven-year study that spaned four continents. The objective, doctors say, was to answer a question that’s been asked since jogging and distance running became commonplace in western society: why are people who run on a regulary basis just the total fucking worst? The results were eye-opening to the doctors and the general public alike. “Our research was oriented in two ways: did running cause the unpleasantness, and if so, why do we not see this in other forms of exercize?” said Dr. Gerard Hoff, a professor emeritus in the university’s renown human behavioral studies department.

“I mean, sure, weightlifters tend to be hyper-sensitive pricks, and swimmers are all aloof dickbags who just want to steal your girl and smoke your weed, but we tolerate them,” Dr. Hoff continued. “Obviously as a society, we’ve reached our breaking point with runners already.” He then added, “Seriously, fuck people that run a lot.”

After extensive blood tests and psychological evaluations on thousands of runners of all demographics, the testing was shockingly conclusive: prolonged exposure to the horrors of running causes marked increases in narcissisim, egotism, and sociopathic behaviors across all participants. Others also saw decreases in empathy and concern for other human beings. This combination of effects places the combined result squarely in the DSM-IV’s defenition of “being a total fuckface.”

“The statistics were - and still are, after all these years - absolutely staggering,” said Dr. Cheung Ng, visiting professor from Beihang University in Beijing. “People who run are by and large more willing to lecture the homeless, tip delivery drivers $1, own a gun with a scope on it, take a friend’s favorite shirt and never return it, and kick a dog then even a cyclist. Those are similar activities, and yet only running turns someone into just a giant bag of dicks.”

Added Dr. Ng, in a haunting monotone: “At this point it’s a public health risk, plain and simple.”

Upon the study’s release in European medical journal The Tourniquet, world leaders were quick to act. French President Francois Hollande used the new academic support to pass into law Paris’ “Battez-Vous Tous Les Coureurs S’il-Vous Plait”, a grassroots citizen’s initiative that has long been practiced to deaf ears from the police force. In the US, President Obama, House Majority Leader John Boehner and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi came together in a rare show of solidarity for a statement in the White House’s Rose Garden, where they viciously attacked what Pelosi referred to as a “national scourge.” The President added, “a sign of such solidarity in Washington is sadly rare, but it should point out that we can come together and work together to eliminate all running once and for all.”

Runners, understandably, were upset about the results of the study.

“It’s B.S,” said Roger Radcliffe, 36, a realtor in New York City. “I think they just say that sort of stuff about us because they feel bad about themselves. It’s sad really, because they’d like to be as good as us, but they just can’t be.” Mr. Radcliffe then popped in his headphones and tripped a nearby 3-year-old girl so she’d drop her comically large ice cream cone. Some runners believe that they are being singled out unfairly. “You can’t tell me in with a straight face we’re worse than rock climbers," said web designer Jamie Lawson, while giving a .35 cent tip on a $30 meal. "I like to tip how many seconds I've shaved off my mile time in the past year, it really helps keep me grounded."

Executives at Nike have not yet responded in full, although they did mention being “disappointed” by the results and suggested those not interested in coming in contact with the side effects of running to avoid charity 5ks, cars with mileage bumper stickers, and the United States Olymipc Track team.

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