Doom: The Citizen Kane of Bad Movies

Oh man. We are coming up on the 10 year anniversary of this magnificent pile of shit. I have to say that i half expected the world to end in 2012 and there would be no memory of this and we'd be too busy fighting off the demons during judgement day BUT HERE WE ARE. 

This movie was made because Resident Evil was made and it earned 20 dollars over it's budget during it's opening weekend so studios started buying up horror video game franchises like they were bricks of cocaine during the 80's (or today...i guess?). The movie focuses on shit going down on Mars and a team of lunatic space marines are sent to kill every motherfucking thing and save government property EXCEPT for the tragic hero Grimm Reaper (Karl Urban...WHY KARL WHY?!) who wants to know why everything went to shit but is told to shut up and keep shooting things. But the Grimm Reaper's sister Lady Grimm Reaper is a scientist that works on mars and she is so close to figuring out something about DNA but what does that matter? Anyway, the Rock is the team leader who is equipped with volatile protein farts and there are other stereotyped marines tossed into this salad of gore. You got a kid codenamed "The Kid" and a drug addict and a Jesus freak who cuts himself when he uses the lords name in vain and about 3 other football players and a medic i think. 

I love Karl Urban. Let me get that off my chest. I love how he played Judge Dredd (with his helmet on the entire time) and i liked him as Bones in the new Star Flares movies and as blond horse rider in The Lord of the Rings movies. But this movie was unforgivable and you can tell that he was trying the best he could. Then you got Dwayne Johnson and everyone at the time was in love with his one lined Scorpion King from the Mummy Returns movie so he was getting work. the movies trailers and posters focused heavily on the fact that The Rock was in this movie so when he turned out to be the villain a lot of kids who snuck into the movie got butt hurt by his turn and so did The Rock. there was even a part where he about to get eaten by zombies and he looks at the camera and says "I'M SUPPOSED TO LIVE!!" not today, Dwayne.

The movie also sported one of the most truly awful moments in cinema and film and that was the FIRST PERSON VIEW LIKE IN THE VIDEO GAME moment. In case you forgot that this movie was based on a game the director decided to fuck you in the brain with that reminder by spending millions of dollars to recreate that feeling of playing a video game. But just like with life you weren't in control and were forced to watch what appeared to be your friends little brother hack and slash at wasted CGI creatures for four minutes. Here is the clip of that right here...

As my dumb brain got dumb3r aftur wachhing dis videoh eye appleojizz 4 shoeing yu D1s cleep. UNTILLE ne7t tome BAR BAR!

-qRst