I can't open this bottle.

I WAS GOING TO PUBLISH A THOUGHT PROVOKING PIECE ABOUT THE MANY LAYERS POP CULTURE AND HOW THEY SEEM MINGLE WITH OTHER CULTURES BUT I'VE HIT A BUMP. I DECIDED TO MAKE MYSELF LUNCH FIRST AND I SETTLED ON A HAMBURGER. I GOT EVERYTHING MADE AND LAYED OUT READY TO BE DEVOURED AND THEN IT CAME TO BE TIME TO PUT SOME KETCHUP ON MY BURGER AND FRIES AND I CAN'T OPEN THIS FUCKING BOTTLE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. THAT WAS FIVE HOURS AGO AND AT THIS POINT MY FOOD IS ALREADY COLD AND THE SUN IS GOING DOWN AND I'VE IGNORED COUNTLESS PHONE CALLS ALL BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING STUPID KETCHUP BOTTLE. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T JUST GET THE SQUEEZE BOTTLE INSTEAD OF THE CLASSIC GLASS BOTTLE. WAS I TRYING TO LOOK HIP AND COOL TO SOMEONE LOOKING THROUGH MY FRIDGE OR WAS I TRYING TO IMPRESS MYSELF WITH HOW NOSTALGIC I COULD BE?! IT ACTUALLY COST MORE TO GET THE STUPID BOTTLE THEN IT WOULD HAVE COST TO GET THE PLASTIC SQUEEZE BOTTLE!. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING AND GOOGLE'D ALL POSSIBLE REMEDIES TO OPEN THIS FUCKING BOTTLE. I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SO MUCH DONE TODAY HAD I GOT MY KETCHUP OUT. I AM BEGINNING TO LOSE HOPE NOW AND THE PALMS OF MY HANDS ARE SEVERALLY BRUISED AND BLEEDING. I TRIED SOAKING THE BOTTLE IN WARM WATER AND I TRIED USING A RUBBER GRIP SHEET THING AND BOTH DIDN'T WORK. I WISH I COULD STOP AND JUST MAKE SOMETHING ELSE TO EAT THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE KETCHUP BUT WHO AM I KIDDING? EVERYTHING WORTH EATING NEEDS KETCHUP TO BE REALLY ENJOYED. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CHOSE THE PICTURE OF AN OPEN BOTTLE OF KETCHUP FOR THIS POST...MAYBE IT WAS SOMETHING TO INSPIRE ME AND SHOW ME THAT THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. I AM ALSO PISSED THAT THE PICTURE SHOWS KETCHUP DRIPPING OUT OF THE CONTAINER. I'VE TRIED LICKING IT AND RUBBING MY BURGER ON MY MONITOR IN HOPES THAT SOMEHOW DIGITALLY THE KETCHUP WOULD SHOW UP ON MY FOOD. IT HASN'T. THE LIGHTS ARE OFF IN MY HOME NOW. ONLY WINNERS DESERVE LIGHTS. TODAY I LOST. TODAY I GAVE UP.

I FOUND A PACKET OF KETCHUP IN MY CUPBOARD SO NEVERMIND ALL THAT. SORRY.