How Movies get Heroin all Wrong by Sparkle Picnic

 We’ve all seen the cautionary tales of the junkie in movies like “Trainspotting” and “Drugstore Cowboy”. Heroin is the ultimate bummer. It’ll ruin your life. But does it? Does it really do that? I mean, should you do heroin? No. But should you do heroin? For sure. 

1. Heroin gives you super powers. In movies, junkies beg on the street and rob you. But what they don’t tell you is that you become really good at lying. Can you tell your parents and siblings six or seven times a year that you need money for rent or your going to be evicted? With heroin you can. You’ll sell ‘em on it real good. So you can buy some heroin. 

2. Heroin improves your sex life. Usually people throw up and pass out in the movies, but what they don’t tell you is that you cum in your pants. When was the last time you came in your pants and you weren’t on a city bus sitting next to a teenage girl with dreadlocks? Never? 

3. Heroin makes you better at math. You need eighty bucks a day for your habit? That’s 1,600 tin cans. Or eight dicks in your mouth. 

4. Heroin makes you more enlightened. Would you have put eight dicks in your mouth before heroin? No. Does that make you gay? I dunno. But if you had some heroin right this minute you wouldn’t even be asking that question. 

5. Heroin makes you fast. Was that a dollar bill floating in the wind? No? It was a leaf? Well, you just broke the sound barrier running over there to find out. 

6. Heroin makes you a scientist. Are you sure that leaf you caught wasn’t heroin? Maybe you should cook it up and slam it. No? It wasn’t heroin? Mark that down in your journal because you might be onto something. 

7. Are you sick of the doctors not taking you seriously about the bugs living in your skin or the cops not thoroughly checking you walls for voices? Well, you’re on meth. Stop that. Try heroin. You probably needed some sleep anyways. And some cum in your pants. 

8. Heroin makes you a shapeshifter. Remember when you were just kind of dumb looking? But then you found heroin? Well, now you’re ugly and gross. What a transformation! Remember when you were ugly and gross, but you kept doing heroin and now you’re a spooky skeleton? Because you’re dead? That’s bonkers! 

Sure, heroin is an intense drug. It’s been known to cause a little trouble here and there, but now that you know the facts, should you do heroin? Do you want to get some heroin now? We could split a bag. I mean, we’re sharing, it’s a one time thing. What’s the worst that could happen?

Sparkle Picnic does 2 things...makes YouTube videos and you laugh. A couple of employees were featured in videos of theirs so watch them here and here.