Dishonored: A video game review (it was free)

Steam Punks, silent killers and achievement hunters have we played a game that you have already played! It was called Dishonored and it focused on a prick stationed in a royal family who comes home to his queen only to get set up for her murder and launch into a quest filled with murder and strategy and intrigue and ...... no one fell for that shit when it came out so that's why it bombed and was released as a "Game with Gold" title. Here is a game that promised the player the moon but gave them picture autographed by the moon. This game has had some pretty great moments but that was dwarfed by the awful leveling system where you collect whale bones (shut up, they're magic) and you can max your abilities to Level One or reach for the stars and go for Level Two and enjoy your new life as an assassin who can only do twice as good as when he started. 

You play as Corvo. A guy who never talks and wears black and has sweet black hair and little girls are attracted to him. So basically high school. After he spends a day in prison for the murder of a queen, Corvo breaks out and joins a team of rag tag super assholes who can do anything and WILL do anything to find the queens daughter and put her on the throne so the parliament can FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKED THIS GAME!  EVEN IN EXPLAINING WHAT THE GAME WAS I AM GETTING BORED AND I WANT TO RUSH TO THE IMPORTANT SHIT. 

Changing gears here (steampunk), the enemies or basically anyone who isn't apart of the main cast look like the same 3 jerks playing musical chairs over and over again. Their faces looked like they were picked out of a play-dough contest and given the vocal treatment of someone who could only do three British voices. You can chop off peoples heads but do you notice? that's kind of a big deal when chopping off heads in a video game comes into play. I would get into a fight and as soon as it was over i would loot the bodies and see that a couple of them were missing their heads and then i found the heads with the option to PICK UP THE HEADS and throw it at more enemies...you don't do damage by the way throwing a head at people and you'd think since this was an option that you'd get a little freak out from whomever you tossed a head at but instead they would say something like "elloo deerr, dis seeems feeeshey....Oi! haaahlt dare!" and then you cut off THAT guys head and jesus christ.

The game gives you powers but that game doesn't want you to use powers and here is the big problem with this game. You start off this game with the best intentions and you heard from a pal that if you can go through the WHOLE game by not killing anyone then you get some kind of amazing achievement that is the gaming equivalent to finding a 20 dollar bill in real life. Fuck that friend and do what you want to because no matter what you do it doesn't affect the ending. Your spirit guide Ian Somerholder gets all pissy if you start rampaging and that's about it. Let'er rip and enjoy the freeness of this classic crap and if isn't free anymore then stay away. I didn't finish this game but i got the feeling that i knew where it was going which is always a "great sign" but at least they could have given us something more fluid. You know what i mean, reader? A game where decisions have real game consequences. I wanted to feel the guilt of murder in a video game and that could have been achieved by assigning NPC's spouses so that after you get done with a mission and you are back at the bar (classic D&D) you'd over hear some poor woman or husband talk about how their wife or husband were murdered by a vigilante tonight and have them give specific locations like "Oh that man of mine would watch that dock more than he'd watch our son but god love him he was providing for our family" and you'd think "oh man...I killed that guy". Real guilt from a game. 

Also, there were squid things in one level and they were never explained ever again. Don't correct me if they did come back because i couldn't finish the game because i'd rather do something else then spend more time with "Teenage Goth in Steampunk Play-Dough Land" 

-R